Why Marriage Is A Waste Of Your Time...
Did you know?
– Every 13 seconds, there is a divorce in America. [1]
– That equates to 277 divorces per hour, 6,646 divorces per day, 46,523 divorces per week, and 2,419,196 divorces per year. [1]
– 60% of second marriages and 73% of all third marriages end in divorce. [1]
– On top of that, 83% of couples are unhappily married! (As few as 17% are content in their partner.) [2]
That’s why marriage is a HUGE waste of time for most people.
This is how marriages F.A.L.L. apart (only 4 steps)...
Divorce occurs when marriages F.A.L.L. (Fault-find, Anger, Let Go, & Lockdown):
1. FAULT-FIND
It begins when you notice yourself taking exception to something your partner does, says, or feels.
You find fault in your partner’s actions, you feel annoyed, but choose not to say anything.
Left unchecked, fault-finding eventually transforms into…
2. ANGER
This is a more developed state of fault-finding.
Now you no longer feel merely annoyed by something your partner does… you can’t stand it!
You’re left feeling angry and unloving.
At that moment, you begin to separate from your partner and retreat behind your emotional walls.
Allowing the irritation of fault-finding to grow into anger is the beginning of the end.
3. LET GO
In this stage, you separate from your partner by emotionally and/or physically letting go of the relationship.
It begins when so much fault-finding and anger have built up that you can’t stay emotionally connected to the other person.
In this third phase, your sex life deteriorates or disappears entirely… Which is the pathway to infidelity.
When my marriage reached this stage, I was able to avoid cheating.
My ex was unable or unwilling to do the same.
4. LOCKDOWN
This is the F*CK IT stage.
You repress or “lockdown” all your negative emotions, numbing yourself to be comfortable.
You consciously or unconsciously enter this stage when you are tired of fault-finding, tired of being angry, and tired of letting go.
You give up on your relationship and find other vehicles to meet your needs – work, kids, friends, etc.
If a couple is exceptionally good at this 4th and final phase, they can stay in an unhappy, loveless married for the rest of their lives…
Tragic… But there is good news…
It’s possible to R.I.S.E. above the odds so you can share a loving, deeply committed, passionate life with your partner.
How?
With a simple 4 step system called R.I.S.E. (Release, Increase, Satisfy, & Escape):
1. RELEASE
Check out the black splotches in the image below:
If this was your first time seeing the image, here’s what happened:
(A) Input:
Your brain received the input of the above image.
(B) Experience:
Then your brain regions sifted through your past experiences to determine if you’ve encountered anything like this input before.
(C) Meaning:
Next, your brain attempted to assign meaning to the image but was unsuccessful.
You are currently in a state called experiential blindness, seeing only black splotches of unknown origin as you look at the image.
(D) Action:
When your brain figures out what the image means it will give your body instructions to carry out the appropriate action.
For now, your brain is communicating with your body to prepare it for an as-yet-undetermined action because the meaning has not yet been established.
To cure your experiential blindness, look at the full image on Google Drive. Then come back to this page and take another look at these splotches:
You should no longer see formless blobs but a familiar object.
What just happened in your brain to change your perception of these splotches?
(A) Input:
You receive new information – the full photograph.
(B) Experience:
Your brain added stuff from the full photograph into its vast array of prior experiences.
(C) Meaning:
Your brain constructed the familiar object you see in the splotches.
The image now has meaning.
(D) Action:
Your brain can now use the meaning to give your body the appropriate actions.
Your experience with the above image reveals a couple of interesting insights:
(1) Your past experiences play a significant role in determining how you see the world.
(2) The entire process of construction is invisible to you.
No matter how hard you try, you can’t observe or experience yourself constructing the image.
You need a specially designed example like the one above to unmask the fact that construction is occurring.
It’s so habitual you might never again see the above figure as formless shapes, even if you try hard to un-see it and recapture experiential blindness.
Here’s how this process of construction applies to everyday situations:
(A) Input:
A guy enters an office building in front of you, he doesn’t hold the door, and it slams in your face.
(B) Experience:
Because of your past experiences, (1) you believe people who don’t hold the door open are rude, and (2) you can’t stand rude people.
(C) Meaning:
Your brain creates the following construction: This guy is an asshole!
(D) Action:
Your brain triggers the release of neurotransmitters and hormones; including adrenaline, testosterone, and noradrenaline.
Your muscles tense up, your heart rate accelerates, your blood pressure rises, and you feel anger.
So you throw open the door, enter the building, and voice your displeasure. (i.e. create a scene by yelling at the guy like a crazy person.)
Was he being intentionally rude or did he just not realize you were behind him?
Either way, it’s not worth getting angry over, but your brain is going to make a construction that triggers anger regardless.
“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” – Gautama Buddha
Anger can be eliminated with the use of a Release Technique (RT).
There are many different RTs but they all perform the same function.
They liberate your natural ability to release negative emotions.
If a door slams in your face today, you’d say, “I am angry.”
Once you start using RTs it will become, “My body is experiencing anger.”
(YOU are not angry but you can feel anger in your body. This will give you the profound realization that you are NOT your emotions.)
If you continue to use RTs it will become, “Was that anger?”
(The feeling will come and go in less than a second.)
Finally, you won’t experience anger at all – no matter what happens.
Your brain has learned to make constructions that don’t require the triggering of anger.
In short, use an RT every time you feel a negative emotion, a pet peeve, or someone pushes your buttons, and you will free yourself from negative emotions.
If this sounds far-fetched, I assure you it’s not. I haven’t experienced anger in years.
Here’s a simple RT to get you started:
When you experience a negative emotion, allow yourself to feel the emotion as fully as you can.
Continue to feel the emotion until it completely goes away on its own.
Do this whenever you feel negativity and you will no longer experience fear, anxiety, worry, hate, anger, loneliness, jealousy, sadness, or any other negative emotion.
To learn more about the construction process check out “How Emotions Are Made” published in 2017 by Lisa Feldman Barrett.[3]
To learn more about RTs check out “The Sedona Method” published in 2003 by Hale Dwoskin. [4]
2. INCREASE
Now that you know how to RELEASE Negativity, this next step will utilize Awareness to INCREASE Positivity.
Awareness is the practice of bringing your attention to the present moment.
It’s a form of mindful meditation that has a profound effect on the construction process.
Here are a few examples:
(1) You’ll cultivate inner bliss.
Of course, relationships, people, and things can be A source of happiness.
But if they become THE source of happiness, you will always be unhappy.
THE source of happiness (true happiness) comes from within, despite all external circumstances, conditions, and relationship status.
(2) People will find you more attractive.
Practicing Awareness increases positive emotions. [5]
Positive emotions promote romantic attraction. [6]
(3) You’ll make better decisions.
A team of psychological scientists at the University of New South Wales conducted a research study on intuition.
They concluded that unconscious intuition informs and even improves decision-making. [7]
Selecting the wrong spouse is one of the most costly mistakes a person can make.
Get divine guidance to help you select the right spouse by using Awareness to improve your intuition and decision-making skills.
(4) Love and kindness will increase.
Awareness increases feelings of social connectedness towards strangers, improving levels of love and kindness. [8]
I previously mentioned I haven’t experienced anger for years.
I consider that a huge accomplishment because I used to go out looking for a fight.
Now, because of RTs and Awareness, I love everyone unconditionally.
Yes, even you. I love you.
Not romantically, I love you in the sense that I truly want the best for you in all areas of life… And I don’t even know who you are.
Here’s a quick Awareness exercise to get you started:
It’s called: Wait – Meditate
Whenever you find yourself waiting for anything (a checkout line, a drive-through, a computer update, etc.), instead of taking out your phone, bring your attention to the breath.
As you inhale, say to yourself “Wait”.
As you exhale, say to yourself “Meditate”.
Inhale wait, exhale meditate… Inhale wait, exhale meditate… Continue for the duration of your wait time.
This exercise uses the breath and the “wait – meditate” mantra as anchors to help you stay in the present moment.
3. SATISFY
A healthy relationship is two people making each other’s needs their own.
Here’s an easy way to communicate what you want and need from your partner:
Step (1)
Ask this question:
In a relationship, what is the one thing you must have?
In other words, you would prefer to be single if your relationship didn’t include what?
This will tell you what your partner values most in a relationship.
Then ask what else the relationship must have to get his/her top 4 requirements.
Step (2)
Ask your partner to rank the top 4 requirements in descending priority.
Requirement #1 is most important and so on.
Step (3)
For each requirement, have your partner answer the following questions:
– What does this requirement mean to you specifically?
– What would it look, sound, and feel like if your partner were supporting this need?
– What actions let you know this need is being met?
– How do you know when this need has been met?
Step (4)
Agree to use this information to satisfy each other’s needs.
(Complete steps 1-3 beforehand so you can share your results as part of the conversation.)
4. ESCAPE
This final step is all about escaping monotony.
The Law Of Familiarity says you will eventually start to take for granted the people and things in your day-to-day life.
Unfortunate but easily avoidable… Simply spend time apart so your partner can miss you.
Even if you’re married, your spouse should still miss you sometimes.
Have girls’ night out and guys’ night out at least once a month.
Take vacations alone, with family, and with friends. Let your partner do the same.
If trust is an issue, here’s a rule to live by:
Give the person you love honesty, respect, trust, and passion, or be prepared to watch from the sidelines as someone else does.
Of course, this will never be a problem for you because mistrust is based on fear and you know how to release fear with an RT!
Time apart is essential, but so is quality time together…
Schedule a weekly date night so you can dedicate yourself 100% to communicating with your partner.
Your date doesn’t have to be at night but it does need to happen regularly – no exceptions.
Change things up. Make your dates fun, exciting, and adventurous.
Go to different places, do different things, and take trips together.
Take a fun class you both would enjoy, like cooking, yoga, or salsa dancing.
During your date, be present.
Your partner should feel like your number one priority and have your full attention.
Alright… we talked about a lot…
Once you and your partner complete Step 1 (RELEASE Negativity) you will no longer experience negative emotions so you can stop bickering before it starts.
Once Step 2 (INCREASE Positivity) is complete, you will no longer depend on people or things for happiness. Your happiness will come from within, despite all external circumstances.
Step 3 (SATISFY Needs) will ensure all your needs are met so you and your partner can happily create the ideal relationship for each other.
And Step 4 (ESCAPE Monotony) makes it easy to protect quality time, keep the spark alive, and grow together instead of growing apart.
Now you know how to R.I.S.E. above the odds and OBLITERATE any change of your marriage taking a F.A.L.L.
I need your help… Here’s why:
– 50% of all children in the United States will witness the end of a parent’s marriage. [9]
– Children of divorce are 50% more likely to develop health problems. [9]
– Teens in single-parent and blended families are 300% more likely to need psychological help. [9]
– Children from broken homes are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide. [9]
Before getting into the dating profession, I went through a terrible divorce that left me physically, mentally, and spiritually broken.
I can tell you from experience, divorce is devastatingly painful.
For me, the most painful part of the whole ordeal was the look on my son’s face when we told him the news.
He looked hurt, disappointed, and helpless all at the same time.
It was heartbreaking.
Being responsible for hurting someone so deeply, that I love so completely, is the biggest regret of my life.
That’s why I wrote this article.
I would like to put this information into the hands of as many people as possible to prevent other children from experiencing the same pain my son endured.
If you would like to help, here’s what to do next:
Use the share feature below to let people know about this post.
If you’re single, I’d like to thank you for your help by giving you a freebie valued at $350.
After sharing this post, schedule a free call here and I’ll help you overcome your biggest challenge with the opposite sex and dating.
It’s just a casual phone call that takes less than 23 seconds to schedule.
Thanks in advance for your help!
Resources:
[1] gillespieshields.com/101-facts-about-divorce-in-2021
[2] psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201709/are-you-among-the-growing-number-unhappy-married-people
[3] amazon.com/How-Emotions-Are-Made-Secret/dp/0544133315
[4] amazon.com/Sedona-Method-Happiness-Emotional-Well-Being/dp/0971933413
[5] ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6296247
[6] psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201907/partners-most-attractive-non-physical-trait
[7] psychologicalscience.org/news/minds-business/intuition-its-more-than-a-feeling.html
[8] onlinepsychologydegree.info/amazing-facts-about-the-science-of-meditation
[9] owenbylaw.com/blog/2018/october/statistics-children-divorce
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